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It's still not happening - what's going on?

  The second month actually went by quite quickly. We tried to keep up an appropriate schedule for trying, but this time without all the pressure and expectation. “ Just relax ” you’re told “ It will happen when you least expect it ”. Okay, fine. In theory this is sound advice, but in reality, really?? Trying to not feel the pressure when you’re trying to conceive is a lot easier said then done. Before we knew it, it was time to play the ‘will it be a period, or a pregnancy™’ guessing game. Thankfully, this time we both felt more relaxed about the whole thing. I guess it was that first try nervous excitement that takes over, whereas after that, it’s easier to be a little more rational, and remember the statistics of the likelihood of conception first time around. Just like the first month, it wasn’t to be, we weren’t as discouraged this time around, but it still was a sinking feeling. After many more months have gone by, you end up in a repeating cycle that feels like it’...
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Maybe this time, or next?

 It was a little irrational I know, but that first month's failure hit hard.  As I explained previously, I knew the numbers, I knew the likelihood of a successful pregnancy on the first go, and I tried my best to not get carried away. For the most part I would say I did, well, okay, but for how low I felt a short while afterwards, I clearly let my emotions get ahead of me a little. It's all part of the learning I guess. You don't get too much time to dwell though, not long after you discover that the pregnancy hasn't happened, you're back trying to create life again.  I went into the second attempt feeling like I was older and wiser to the experience - and I guess in a small way, I was - it didn't work the first time, therefore it might not work the second time as well.  With that being said, I felt that perhaps I should start doing research into best conception practices, I obviously knew the basics - it's just "'fings 'n 'oles" Rachel...
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Not this time!

 I'm not going to lie - the first few weeks after our first 'attempt' were stressful. You know that the chances of first time conception are rare, but just over a third of couples conceive within the first month. 1 in 3, that is more than good enough odds for me to have hope. We've had friends, and have known about people conceiving on their first try, why can't that be us too? I don't like to think of myself as impatient, but those first few weeks dragged. You try and keep busy, but every third thought drifts off into parenthood of some kind; What if it worked? I wonder what the gender will be? You spend more time than you should calculating the birth date, which leads onto further thoughts of schooling - will they be young in their school year? Or old? What is better? Does it really matter? Should we have waited for the correct school-year birthday? No, that's just silly !  ...It's hard to rein your thoughts in.  During that first month, it was cle...
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Okay, lets try and see what happens

 It was August 2018, and for the first time in what had felt like an eternity, a conversation about children between Rachel and I was different. Before, the conversations would mainly revolve around what would be given up, but a random conversation between Rachel and I was about more practical things, such as our home layout, and who we could possibly get to babysit should we start a family. Trying not to get too excited, I asked Rachel if she was feeling more positive about the prospect. I can't remember her exact wording, but the gist was that she had done some soul-searching, and determined that her current life wouldn't completely disappear should we start a family.  We had plenty of friends who had previously said they would be " honoured " to help out, our family weren't that far away either, and plenty of our friends had children by this point who could share help and advise (or simply an understanding shoulder to lean on after a sleepless night).  It could...
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Starting to feel isolated

 Rachel and I married when we were fairly young by modern standards; but that was by design. You see, I wanted to marry young, so that there would be plenty of time to have no-dependants fun, and we did as I explained in a previous post.  It was a couple of years or more after our marriage when our friends started to get married, and as the months and years went by after this, there seem to be one baby announcement after another. Don't get me wrong, I was always absolutely delighted to hear their news, and even more excited to meet the new member of their family, but each time the news broke, a bigger and bigger piece of me felt more isolated, and dare I say it, frustrated at my plight.  I could see the unease in Rachel's eyes each time a new baby announcement from friends was made, she knew that it would start "the conversation" again between us again. It usually did, and each time we would go around in circles, until we mutually agreed that it was best to "lea...
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Ready and waiting

 In all relationships there is likely to be a period of time where one person is in a different timescale or headspace than the other - this could be going on holiday, moving home, or other major life events. For bringing a child into the world, this was Rachel and mine.  I for quite some time was ready for a child, whereas for Rachel, something very different was happening.. To explain this in a little more detail, for quite some time Rachel didn't really know who she was and what she wanted to do, until this point, everything for us both was just routine, and a mostly unhealthy one at that, a typical day would play out like the following; Get up and go to work Come home and sit on the sofa Eat a meal Eat snacks in front of the TV for several hours Go to bed Repeat By far not the healthiest lifestyle, but one where there was plenty of spare time for bringing a child into the world and bringing them up. But then running club happened for us both .  Both being unfit, we jo...
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Okay - I'm ready, I think! Yes.

 The first couple of years of marriage were an absolute blast.  Loads of fun, loads of adventures, meeting new people and discovering new about ourselves.  Now, I want to be clear - marriage is still awesome -  (I'm actually writing this blog post 7 years on from this time) - but I'm setting the scene - please bear with.) After 2 years, I felt pretty much ready to have children. I had progressed in my job and had a salary that I felt was enough to cover the expense of a child. Although, when discussing this particular concept with friends (some of whom had kids, some without), I would always get wry smile and a chuckled "You'll never have enough", "just wait until you start paying for nursery fees - you won't know what spare money looks like". Friends, eh? One minute they'll tell you how kids are the best things in the world and we should definitely do it, but don't have them until you win the lottery! Luckily, I felt strong enough in my con...
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