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Ready and waiting

 In all relationships there is likely to be a period of time where one person is in a different timescale or headspace than the other - this could be going on holiday, moving home, or other major life events. For bringing a child into the world, this was Rachel and mine. 

I for quite some time was ready for a child, whereas for Rachel, something very different was happening.. To explain this in a little more detail, for quite some time Rachel didn't really know who she was and what she wanted to do, until this point, everything for us both was just routine, and a mostly unhealthy one at that, a typical day would play out like the following;

  1. Get up and go to work
  2. Come home and sit on the sofa
  3. Eat a meal
  4. Eat snacks in front of the TV for several hours
  5. Go to bed
  6. Repeat
By far not the healthiest lifestyle, but one where there was plenty of spare time for bringing a child into the world and bringing them up. But then running club happened for us both. 

Both being unfit, we joined our local running club, and things started to change; suddenly our free time was being used up at running events with our new friends, our spare money being used to buy running shoes, and entry into races. Now those things are fine, but it was the mental side that was changing most of all.

Rachel (and me to a lesser extent) finally had some purpose in her life, she was getting thinner, fitter, making loads of new friends, and for the first time since I had known her felt that she was part of something. 

Don't get me wrong - all of those things are awesome, and I was experiencing them too, but whilst in this new and exciting venture in our lives my desires for children hadn't changed, the doubts and concerns started to creep in for Rachel.

For the first time in a long time (perhaps ever) in her life, she had a proper hobby which made her feel good, had made a load of new friends, and was starting to like the way she looked. Why should she give this up to bring a child into the world? 

I tried to understand, but it was extremely difficult to come to terms with. Our relationship since the beginning was based on us becoming a family, for me, I felt cracks in this dream start to appear. 

Where as before, conversations about having a family were on level terms, now they were starting to become more one-sided. "I'm not ready" would be the default position, with no fixed time on when that might be the case. Conversations around trying for a baby instigated by myself were quickly shut down.

During this time, I felt quite conflicted. I had an amazing wife who I had spent the last 9 years with, whom I loved with all my heart; but on the other side of the coin, my dream and life long ambition of having children was starting to fade. 

It was a real battle of heart and mind. 

In the end, I decided that it was better to live in hope of starting a family with Rachel, a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, rather than risking everything on an outcome that was far from guaranteed with someone else.

It was just a waiting and hoping game at this point...


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