I'm not going to lie - the first few weeks after our first 'attempt' were stressful. You know that the chances of first time conception are rare, but just over a third of couples conceive within the first month. 1 in 3, that is more than good enough odds for me to have hope. We've had friends, and have known about people conceiving on their first try, why can't that be us too?
I don't like to think of myself as impatient, but those first few weeks dragged. You try and keep busy, but every third thought drifts off into parenthood of some kind; What if it worked? I wonder what the gender will be? You spend more time than you should calculating the birth date, which leads onto further thoughts of schooling - will they be young in their school year? Or old? What is better? Does it really matter? Should we have waited for the correct school-year birthday? No, that's just silly!
...It's hard to rein your thoughts in.
During that first month, it was clear it was high on Rachel and my thoughts, pregnancy and babies would frequently come up in conversation between us. I don't think Rachel's mind was wandering as much as mine, but we both had no idea what to expect, and we both were allowed to get excited at the prospect after all, and we did! There was of course the understanding that trying for a baby can be an ordeal, and it not working out is not the end of the world at first go.
I think my main thoughts during that first month was a little bit of disbelief more than anything. There was so many times during the previous year or so where I never thought it was going to happen, followed by a glimmer of hope, then a slight backtrack, then more positivity, then the semi-frequent 'shall we wait longer' conversation. The waiting was well and truly over for trying - but so soon was the next wait! Who would have thought trying for a baby would require so much waiting?! Mind you, even with a successful pregnancy, you have a 9 month wait, so I guess waiting is normal and maybe I should have just been a bit more patient.
After the weeks had passed, and Rachel was getting towards her period date, whether it was deliberate or not, both of our thoughts turned to less positive about this attempt - this was probably to protect ourselves should it not work out. Rachel was also experiencing her normal pre-period symptoms, no bleeding yet, but the signs were ominous. Still, you read that bleeding is completely normal - it's just the embryo latching itself into place - that could be it! Breast tenderness was the next thing to arrive - again, a perfectly normal pre-period symptom, but could also be pregnancy hormones. Then brown spotting, again - this could be either. Already slow-time felt like it just slowed down a little more.
The night before Rachel's period was due, I woke up as I heard Rachel in the bathroom - for years Rachel has been getting up in the middle of the night to sort out her 'just-starting' period, and I've not woken up at all (Sorry Rachel, I do care, honest!) - But this time was different, the anxiety of it all was resulting in me sleeping lighter anyway, so it was no surprise that I woke up. It was dark, but there was enough light for me to see the expression on Rachel's face. It was dreaded Auntie-Flow, Rachel apologised (which wasn't at all necessary), and we cuddled both a little disappointed. We had joined the 66% of couples who failed in their first month.
Still, they say the fun is in the trying don't they!
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